What's Going On?

It's been a while since I've had the time or the peace of mind to sit and write. I think I do this sometimes more for myself than anything else. It helps me to get things down in black and white to sort things out.

I've been going through a strange phase in my walk with God lately. I am, and always will be in love with God. I know all too well where I would be without Him in my life and I am always aware and thankful that He rescued me from the pit at the age of 19. But lately I've been...indifferent. Not sure how else to describe it. Not much exciting me about the things of God or church. I feel like I'm just doing everything I've always done but without the fire and passion. Kinda a dry time.

I have been a Christian a long time and I know this comes with the territory. It's the same as marriage. Goes through dry, dispassionate times as well. It does take intentionality and effort to make things more interesting, on both fronts. Just don't want to do ANYTHING. It's an effort to just go to church. It's an effort, and I guess I want it to be effortless. Dreaming??

I've recently changed churches. The beginning of the summer I left the church I've been attending for 6 years and started serving in the Nursery department on Sunday mornings. When you leave one church that you've gotten used to and become quite attached to and serve somewhere else there is always a transition phase. I've gratefully served with the babies at St. James and will continue to do so, but I went from intense worship every Thursday night and Sunday with the choir of my last church to where I am now. I sometimes wonder why I was in choir for all that time? It was such a blessing to ME, I often wondered how God got anything out of it at all! Worship will always be a huge part of my DNA but I do miss the "expression" I was able to give to my faith at New Life.

Where do I go from here? That is what I am trying to figure out. Where do I belong in the plan of God? I know it's not just to sit in a room with babies on Sunday mornings. There's more. Maybe writing? Maybe? Not sure. Right now, I'm so dry, I don't even WANT TO attend a Bible study or even read the Bible. Just venting. I'll move past this. It's just a phase. But it feels weird.

Relational Dynamics

First of all, I apologize for not blogging in quite some time. I've had my laptop hijacked by my daughter who is homeschooling part time now, so I don't have as much access to this thing. I still have so many thoughts running through my head and so I am here again to share with you, whoever wants to read.

I've been thinking this weekend about how some people seem to be more "relational" than others. I am extremely relational. Always have been. I wondered if this helped me in my walk with God and my willingness to completely accept Him as my Lord & Savior. I mean, when I got saved in 1985 I did so with reckless abandon. I had an empty cup and after it was overflowing! I was changed...completely. No one today would recognize me as the same person.

I think the fact that God has made me a person who enjoys deep, intimate personal relationships with others has helped me to dive into my relationship with Him. And it also makes me wonder if the people I know who are not so comfortable with relating to others have a more difficult time completely allowing God to take over their hearts and lives? I mean, it may just be a more gradual process. I see God at work in everyone around me yet we are all at different phases and levels of understanding in our walk with God.

God IS love. So to be close to Him is easy if WE are willing to surrender. If not, He will not force us. He loves us but He is not interested in a relationship if we are not. Same thing is true with us as humans. I mean, I wouldn't want to have a friendship with someone who didn't want one with me.

Our closeness to God is subject to us and how much we are willing to surrender. Christianity is not about behavior and rules...it is about love. Surrender. Relationship. And He walks us through this process at our own individual pace. He is patient and He knows we are worth the wait.

HCG Diet Status

Hi Friends!

Well, I've been working a lot more lately, so I haven't taken the time to blog. I apologize. I do want to sit at the computer and do this MORE not less. It's something that fills me, something I enjoy. I will try to do it more often. On the work front I went from VillaKids to the front desk at VillaSport in May. I am happy with the change. The new "family" I work with is really great! I am also finding it is meeting a social need I have. I am not going out as much with friends now but that is because I am with people all day and when I come home I am more content just being with the fam.

Anyway, to update you about the diet, I did two rounds of HCG. I lost a total of 24 pounds and 17 inches. Yay! I'm super happy with the results! I wanted to "weigh" less when all was said and done, but I believe I can achieve the rest with regular eating right and exercise. I feel great and can do a lot more even with just the 24 lbs. off my body. SO GLAD to have a waist again!

I don't know if I can adequately express how hard it is for someone who was never heavy to have extra weight on my body that I simply could not shed! I had this weight on me in increasing measure for about 8 years. It was so hard for me to accept the fact that I was not thin anymore. It never felt right. I did try to lose it through other diets and even just "healthy eating' but it just kept getting worse not better. I was so used to the way I was as a young woman where I could eat anything and not gain weight. I even stopped eating the way I used to and ate a lot less...but it didn't change anything.

After the diet I have maintained pretty well and I am determined to keep it off and actually lose more. I'm telling everyone I know about it because I think once you lose the weight and maintain it, you feel a lot more confident about keeping it off in the future. It is a wonderful thing! If you have any weight to lose I highly recommend this diet! It worked for me and I think it completely changed the way I think about food. A treat for me now is Almond Dream Ice Cream! (If you've never tried it...you have to, it is AMAZING!)

On another note, we are getting to take a vacation this year to New Jersey and we are SUPER excited about it! It is a much needed vacation! Bobby's parents are generously treating us to this trip and I can't wait to put my toes in the sand on the beach! I might even sleep on the beach! I'm thankful! Summer is my favorite season. So far it's been a lot of great changes. Stay tuned for more updates.

Love...Tracey

My Dream

I have long dreamt of owning a Bed & Breakfast overlooking the ocean....somewhere in the United States. I am hoping this dream turns into a reality sometime in the next 20 years. I think about it often and picture what the house will look like. I hear the roar of the ocean as I lay in bed at night. Right now, it's a distant dream. It won't always be, I hope.

So in the meantime, I am landlocked. I live in Colorado by God's direction and honestly, He has made me love it here. I love the beauty of the mountains, the dry clean air, the 315 days of sun per year. I love the fact that my hair can be straight here without frizz! (That won't be true when living next to the ocean!) I know this is where God wants us so that makes it a blessing to be here.

God has also provided a vacation for our family this summer. We were not going to be able to take a vacation this summer just like last summer due to lack of finances. I am so thankful that I can stand on a beach with the sand in my toes this summer! It is all I can think about now that we got our plane tickets! I am so excited! It is amazing how much you appreciate something when you haven't had it in a while! In this case I am referring to a vacation to the beach.

I am also thinking about food because I'm back on the 500 calorie diet! When I was on the maintenace plan I did not gain any weight and enjoyed my food like you can't believe! I think I am on the path to understanding how to live and eat healthy for the rest of my life. It is a blessing to have discovered this diet! It has really transformed how I think about food. According to my "goal weight" in my mind I am only 5 lbs. away from that but I think I will wind up losing more. I really just want to be back in a size 8 and I will feel like "myself" again. That is the size I wore "pre-baby". I think it's as it should be.

I will post the before and after shortly! Thanks for reading my crazy rambling thoughts! : )

Easter Reflections

During this phase of my life I do a lot of reflection. On the past, on the present and definitely the future! I am starting to realize that I want to become the person God has created me to be in the second half of my life. I guess according to statistics my life is "half over". Ha ha. Sounds funny to me! I feel like a 20 year old.

Anyway, my mid life re-evaluation will be a productive healthy thing. I will not get tatoos or piercings or even a red corvette! (Although I really want a red Mini Cooper with white racing stripes!) I look at who I've been in the past, and sometimes with regret I mourn the loss of friends I've made irreversible mistakes with. I have learned from those mistakes and will NEVER make the same one twice. I do wish I could go back to my 20's sometimes and be less selfish. I didn't realize just how selfish I was then.

Now that I am older and hopefully wiser, I want God to make me the woman He wants me to be. I want to fulfill His purposes for my life. I want to reflect Him to those around me. Like the moon reflects the sun. I have no "light" in me other than His light. I think I can be a reflector! I can do that. I am submitted to Him and His will. Not much else matters to me.

In relationships, I am learning that God has a "will" for me too. Maybe I feel too much or too deeply sometimes, but I'd rather be a passionate person with real thoughts and opinions than a person without a "personality". I may not always agree with you but I will be agreeable, to the best of my ability. I want to be a light. Whatever it takes. I just don't want to fade into the background. I want to have a voice. I need to be heard...which is what Oprah says she has learned about every human being. We want to be heard.

My opinion is not more important than anyone else's though. If you differ, I am okay with that. I can differ with people and still be completely respectful of their personhood. If you disagree with me about an issue, it's okay, and I can hear and appreciate your opinion. I will not belittle you or make you feel bad for disagreeing with me. One thing we are all entitled to is an opinion, right?

So, since Jesus died to make my life and yours completely fulfilled and meaningful, let's stop bickering over petty things. His death, burial and ressurection was for more than this. It is not what the life in Christ is all about. I hope I can be a peacemaker and a light to those around me. Happy Easter friends!

The "Clique"

I'm a bit behind the curve with female friendships. I didn't have a "clique" in High School that I belonged to because I despised that type of mentality. Actually, that is why I didn't become a cheerleader in HS. I was a cheerleader up until that point of my life. In HS it was more like a club. I didn't want to be in a club where the girls somehow thought they were better than others because they were pretty or whatever. I still feel that way. I don't identify with one group, I like everyone, from all walks of life. The word "clique" means; a small, exclusive circle of people. Many times, within adult groups, I don't believe this is the intent, for a clique to form I mean. Usually it is a group of people who have some common interests who get together socially. Everyone is welcome, but after a while, only certain people get the "invitation". Others are inevitably left out. About a year ago my husband and I were trying to form a group of friends that we could socialize with once a month for a dinner club. It was fun while it lasted, but of course it came to it's inevitable end. I also started doing a girls night out with whoever wanted to join us. I believe it ended because it wasn't God's plan for me. Like I said, we were trying to form friendships. I wasn't aware of the formation of a clique, but I'm sure some people viewed it as such. It's a different view...from the outside looking in. I am no longer interested in going out with groups of people. I think that is the stage my oldest daughter is in. (she's 13) She will hang out with groups of girls and socialize that way. I am in a stage of life where I am trusting God to lead me in my friendships. I only go out one-on-one now unless it's a movie or something where the opportunity to socialize is not really there. I know I am getting to know these people better. I enjoy it more and feel more connected to my friends this way. I guess I am saying all of this because I've been thinking about how cliques form lately. I see them at work and at church and...well, pretty much everywhere! It's not for me. Well, to each his own, but I know the friends I have are gifts from God and I treasure each one of you! This is not an "exclusive" group! There's always room for more! : )

Diet Update

Okay, it's been a while since I have written here so I apologize up front. I need to get more regular with writing. It is cathartic for me when I take the time to do it. So here goes. I am in Phase 3 of the diet. I lost 20 pounds on the 500 calorie phase and stopped losing the last week of that phase, so I decided to go back to it in May. I want to lose about 8-10 more pounds, so I need to do another round, but it will not be as long, maybe 2 weeks. Not really sure how many inches I've lost. Last time I measured it was 11 inches, so not bad. I want more...what can I say! I know I will never do a diet like this again so it's a one time deal or I guess a two time deal. In Phase 3 you get to eat whatever you want whenever you want to, minus sugar and starches. It feels so great after the 500 calorie diet to eat cheese and a variety of vegetables and snacks. It feels like a whole new world is opened up to me. I don't think I will ever go back to eating sugar regularly again either. I don't really miss it. I will have cake on my birthday and a dessert at a restaurant occasionally, but I will not be eating it regularly at home. I used to get headaches almost daily and they have almost gone away completely. So for all the people who are waiting for me to gain the weight back, you don't know me very well! I was never overweight as a kid and I was just waiting for the right thing to get me to my proper weight. I will NOT gain it back. Trust me. It has been on me too long and I've felt bad about myself for too long. Never again! This weekend I am going out for a full shopping day with some friends to celebrate the weight loss as well as to get a few new pieces of clothing...staples. I need the basics in smaller sizes so that is really exciting! I'm looking forward to it! I plan on putting a before and after picture on facebook and this blog when I've lost all the weight, most likely in May, so watch for that. My face already looks so much thinner. Thanks for your support and encouragement friends! It has meant so much to me!

Stalls stink!

It's no secret that I've been "dieting" this past month. I am happy on one hand because I've lost 18.5 lbs. On the other hand I wanted to lose 30 and I am completely stalling on this diet. OK, I'm at a crossroads. Shall I keep going and try to lose more? Shall I stop now and try to lose the rest from regular old fashioned healthy eating and working out?

I know this diet has worked miracles. Not many diets can claim to help you lose 18.5 lbs. in one month right? But I also know there is more weight to lose and I don't ever want to do this again. I wanted to get it all off in a one time effort. Ugh! Not sure what to do.

Anyway, sorry for blabbing on and on about my silly diet woes. I somehow feel I am talking to someone when I write this thing! I work out my issues with myself! Ha!

I am however looking forward to more of a variety of food in phase two. I have learned to enjoy fruits and vegetables more and am interested in learning new recipes with healthy foods. I've even looked into culinary school. It's out of reach financially right now, but I am still exploring the possibilities anyway. It would be a dream to do that for a living. Right now, I will live in dream land and learn about cooking healthier via the Internet and Top Chef.

I do love food. I just have to put food in it's proper perspective. I have learned that I am content without it. I don't NEED most of the things I've put into my mouth in the past 10 years. I just didn't think about it enough. Now I think about everything that goes into my mouth! Everything. I'm much more conscious of what I eat and of calorie content! My mom didn't neglect to mention that I am now "gluten free" and I should try to stay that way. My dad has Celiac disease and my mom is trying to suggest that I have it as well. I don't, but I have to admit, whatever gluten is I should probably stay away from it. I have more energy and mental clarity since I've been eating this way.

Well, enough diet talk! I don't want to bore you. I will keep you informed of my progress, or lack thereof. Thanks for listening to my babbling!

God is Speaking

Sometimes I pray so often and indiscriminately I don't even remember praying. I did that as I was getting ready for church today, again. I was unclear about the direction God has for our family in a certain area and I prayed for direction. I told God that I WILL NOT do what I want or think is best. I only want to do what HE wants us to do. It's important that I make that declaration. I think we all tend to steer our own course sometimes. I don't want to make that mistake on major issues in our lives. God's way is the only way! Amen?

So during worship this morning in second service I decided not to sing in choir because my voice was a bit froggy during first service. I sang with my family. I heard in my spirit the direction I had just asked God for before church! I heard it in my spirit and thought...wow, when did I pray for this direction? Oh yeah, while I was getting ready for church just this morning! God is super cool! I love when He answers me so quickly!

I needed that reminder today because there are several areas of my life that I need God's direction in, but I haven't simply asked. I haven't opened my mouth and prayed for direction! Duh! He is always speaking. We are not always listening. I look at it this way; we're kinda like a radio. We have to tune into God's station in order to properly hear Him. He has answers and direction and so much more. My radio tends to be tuned into whatever I'm doing at the moment. I'm always doing SOMETHING! Worship is a time I am tuned in! Totally!

I'm at peace with something I would not have peace with at all without the specific direction of God. It's so freeing. I don't know how people live without God in their lives. I really don't. I did it for 19 years and hated life! Everything is so much better with God in it! Living for Him gives life purpose and meaning. "I can't imagine a life without You, without You, cause it's all for You! Yeah it's all for You God!" (Lyrics from a great worship song I can't get out of my head!)

Onward...

HCG Diet Update

Well, so far I've lost 11.5 pounds in 9 days. I'm excited, but at the same time discouraged because the weight loss has slowed down. I hope it speeds back up again. Either way, I'm sticking with it for 21 days! After the 21 day 500 calorie phase is over comes a phase that is in some ways more difficult which is called the Maintenance Phase. You are allowed to eat what you want when you want, minus sugars and starches, which will be about 1500 calories a day. This should feel like a lot of food after eating only 500 calories, but you have to be very intentional about this part of the diet because it "re-sets" your metabolism. The success or failure of this diet is dependant upon the Maintenance Phase.

I hear ya, you're thinking "Wow! This diet is strict!" It is, and it is not easy to follow through to the end, but let's face it, anyone who has struggled with weight at all knows that being overweight is worse than following a rigid diet for a month and a half. I believe with all my heart that this is the answer FOR ME. I've been wanting to lose the weight for so long. I know once it's off I will be diligent to keep it off.

I have only lost a half pound today. I lost a half pound yesterday. I know this is better than nothing, but last week I was losing close to 2 pounds a day! It feels like nothing at this point. I want more. I am determined. I am starting to see myself in a size 8 again. It is exciting. I've had extra weight on me since the birth of my last child almost 9 years ago! It's time!

I watched The Dr. Oz show yesterday which was all about the HCG Diet. He had positive things to say as well as negative things. I thought it was a balanced viewpoint. The one thing I thought was lacking that they didn't highlight was how this diet re-programs your mind to eat healthy and be very mindful of calories. It is a great thing for people who have not been conscious of how much they are eating! It is a great thing because it not only shrinks your stomach but it changes how you think about food altogether! I'm sure other diets do this same thing but in my opinion that is one of the best long term effects.

I will post before and after pics when all is said and done. Less than two weeks to go on the 500 calorie part! Yay! Looking forward to some variety in my diet. I am thankful that God is teaching me how to eat. I never gained anything when I was younger so this weight just snuck up on me! I was a little lost on how to deal with it. God is good! He cares about whatever we care about. It's not about vanity as much as it is about who I am supposed to be. I want my outsides to match who I am on the inside. I have always thought of myself as thin. Recently, that has changed. I've seen myself in the mirror for so long overweight that I started to "see myself" as being that way forever. That's when this diet came along. I'll keep you posted!

Excited. Thankful. Happy. : )

FOOD for thought!

I am doing a pretty strict and controversial diet right now called the HCG diet. I have lost 7 lbs in 5 days, so it's working! I have tried several different ways to lose weight over the years and was very skeptical of this one until I saw friends I know in choir drop 2-3 sizes in a matter of weeks right in front of me! That is when I did some homework! Now, I am totally committed to this thing!

Here are some things I am learning about my "relationship" with food. I have ALWAYS equated social occasions with food. I go out to lunch with friends, and still enjoy doing this. I've hosted parties where there is always food involved! I have just thought of food and social time as one in the same. I am also a very social person, so the more you go out with people, the more you eat, consequently!

I am learning that food has been a very comforting thing too. I unconciously went to the refrigerator when stuff just seemed...not right. Can anyone relate? I mean, I didn't gorge myself...EVER, I watched what I ate...somewhat. But it was always something that I could go to to feel better. It always made me "feel good".

Food has become something to Americans that it was never intended to be. Let's just look at the Garden of Eden. I mean, it was fruit and veggies. They didn't complain and ask if they could eat the cow nearby! They were in a perfect environment and the food they had to eat was perfect. Eve couldn't resist that apple! That just blows me away! That must have been SOME apple! Imagine if she had an apple crisp fresh from the oven with caramel sauce drizzled on top and ice cream on the side! Now that would've been a temptation!

Food is for nutrition. God intended for food to fuel us. Now, I hear what you're thinking; "But food is sooooo good!" Yes, I think a splurge meal will be in order every now and then, but my lifestyle is different. I will eat to live, not live to eat. But I do enjoy food very much so I don't intend to fast for the rest of my life either! I think it is a balancing act. Obviously, the way I was going about it on my own was NOT working for me. I needed a jump start like this. I intend to do things differently now!

This diet re-trains your brain as well as your stomach & taste buds! You eat barely anything for 21 or 40 days, depending upon how much you have to lose, so your stomach shrinks quite a bit! There is the biology. But during the low calorie portion of this experience you are eating protein, veggies, fruits and liquid basically. So you eventually start to desire those good things instead of all the fattening, processed stuff. I already eat a grapefruit like it's the most amazing thing on the planet! : )

I know this thing is not for everyone. I admit, it is REALLY strict. But it does yeild results! That much I know. I will keep you posted on my progress! I am so excited to finally lose this weight and feel good about myself physically again! I am thankful to all of the friends who have done this before me and cheered me on!

Just a little FOOD for thought...

It's Not About You

A little disclaimer may be necessary! Here it is:

The things I am writing about here are not about YOU. They are issues God is dealing with ME about. They are things I am passionate about because I am walking through them in MY life. I am writing because God specifically told me to and if I don't I think I will BURST! These are issues He is dealing with ME about, but if they speak to you, He may be dealing with you too. There is that possibility.

Anyway, on a lighter note, today is a BEAUTIFUL day in the Noesner house! The lion is sleeping with the lamb! I am speaking about my new Puppy Pepper and our "elderly" dog Zoe. They are actually sleeping together and at peace with each other which brings much joy to my heart! They didn't see eye to eye prior to this, so it's a pretty big deal. I can't underestimate how precious it is to see the two of them next to each other! So sweet!

Pepper is an adorable dog! She enjoys basking in the sunlight on our front hall rug in the morning. She sits and waits for it to come from the wall down onto the floor where she can lay in it. She will look at the sun on the wall and scratch the wall trying to get it to come down faster! She licks the wall, and pats it and wonders why there is a floppy eared shadow staring back at her. She moves and sees her shadow move and wonders "Who is that?"

Having a new puppy is a lot of work, but moments like this make it all worthwhile. Pepper is so querky and I think the flaws are the best part! We all love her so much! I'll post a pic if I can figure out how!

Have an amazing day everyone, and stay warm!

Tracey

Disposable People

I believe the "Church" is a family. I treat the people in my family a certain way. I love them, try to respect them and their individuality, I would do just about anything for them. Isn't that as it should be? If a family member is struggling or hurting I would offer help, support and love. I would under gird them in prayer. I would offer any type of tangible help I could.

What ever happened to the old fashioned, dare I say "Biblical" values we heard about years ago, with our grandparents? (Well, not MY grandparents...but you know!) What ever happened to loyalty? What ever happened to people who cared so much it showed in everything they said and did?

Much of what I see in today's culture is disposable. If we don't like it, we dispose of it. Gone. I don't have to deal with anyone I don't like or doesn't agree with my theology. If they make me uncomfortable, or if they say something I feel is inappropriate I will throw them out like yesterday's trash. I see something else in scripture that makes me want to aim higher.

For instance; the story of the good Samaritan. He saw a hurting man on the side of the road and assisted him. This dude went out of his way to help him. He used all of his resources, his time, his money and his love to make sure the hurt man recovered. The religious dudes didn't inconvenience themselves at all. This is not what God had in mind when He sent Jesus. As a matter of fact, the self-righteous attitudes of the Pharisees and religious leaders in Jesus day was a stink in the nostrils of God. He hates it! And God doesn't "hate" much. He IS LOVE!

My life's mission is to be the REAL DEAL. The Love that has saved me. The Love that doesn't walk away when things get hard. The Love that transforms lives and lifts us out of the dirt and slime we came out of! When things get hard and we persevere, we come out on the other end with something stronger and more difficult to break. God intends us to face problems, talk about issues, come to a resolution and move on. I believe these challenges are God's plan. They make us stronger in EVERY way if we deal with them head on and not run from them. If we allow the difficulties of life to stop us from growing in this way we've allowed the enemy to steal victory after victory in our lives. It is not God's plan for us to avoid difficulties or difficult people.

If you are my "friend"...you are a friend FOR LIFE. If you disappoint me, I'll live. If you hurt me, I will get over it. I don't walk away. I don't give up on people. You are not disposable to me.